Mijanou ter Braak

Yesterday my brother died. After not having contact for nearly 10 years my brother contacted me two months ago with the sad news he had cancer stage 4.
I feld extremely sad for him, even knowing my brother treated me like shit most of the time.
So I went to him, helped him, gave him money, slept at his place and took care over him, swallowed all his demanding and degrading behaviour towards me, because I felt sorry for him, and because I loved him, regardless of the asshole he used to be to me and his 5 ex wives.
I thought, come on, let's forgive and forget.

But whatever I pretended,my heart broke when my brother screamed angry at me after I drove for more than 7 hours to be beside him at his death bed.

I was so stupid to think we would hold hands for the last time, so he could die in peace. But I can't change the fact that until the end, my brother only cared about himself.

I loved him but broke up with him because all he ever did was scream and shout at me that I didn't do anything right. All he ever contacted me for was money or help, and still, I had this little bit of hope...

This crazy thought, that maybe deep inside he did love me to...

Now I just have to accept it, that I will never get the love I was hoping he would give me one day.

It's hard to let go, of someone who didn't love you, because every time you think about them, you remember the pain they gave you.

You don't always get what you give.